this is not a love letter

reminiscing with a friend and i remembered a letter i wrote to a guy 5 years ago. a year after i could already laugh at this but i would share it here now just for laughs. i'm quite proud of this, my first and probably last (love?) letter hahaha!

para 'to sa mga nagpapakatanga pa rin hanggang ngayon. gising na!

---

Jan. 27 2008...

xxxxxx,

ayoko sanang gawin 'to kasi nakakahiya. and i've never done this before. pero baka makatulong sa 'kin most especially.

when i told you that i fell in love with you, totoo yun. i wasn't being sarcastic. wag mo na tanungin kung bakit at paano, basta. di ko rin nga alam kung bakit.

siguro alam mo na yun or may inkling ka na kaya ka nagstart makipagtext sa 'kin. di naman kita masisisi. kung lalaki ako, ganun rin gagawin ko. mas matindi pa dun actually. kaya siguro hindi ako ginawang lalaki. karma ang pagiging babae ko ngayon dahil sa mga pinagagagawa ko as a guy in one of my past lifetimes.

basta naiintindihan ko kung bakit nakikipagflirt ka sa 'kin kahit may girlfriend ka na. sabi nga ng mga kaibigan ko, lalaki ako mag-isip. kaya alam ko rin na hindi ka naman seryoso. i think i know what you're really after. pero di naman ako ganun katanga. at kung yun nga ang habol mo, hindi rin ako galit. lalaki ka lang, i understand.

alam mo bang nadepress ako last year dahil sa 'yo? siyempre hindi mo alam. mahal ako ma-depress. kung saan-saan ako pumupunta, kung anu-ano pinagbibibili ko kahit di ko naman kelangan. tapos ok na ko, bigla kang nagtext. nagulo na naman ang buhay ko. nasayang mga ginastos ko sa camiguin at baguio.

and it's the same old story. wala namang nagbebenefit sa 'ting dalawa. nahihirapan lang ako kakahintay sa text o tawag mo. wala naman akong karapatan magdemand kasi textmate lang ako, ni hindi nga ako friend e. and i don't like that feeling. ikaw lang ang nagparamdam sa 'kin ng ganun, that i'm unimportant. well, pangalawa ka actually.

sabi ng mga friends ko, siguro na-chachallenge lang ako kasi i always get what i want, one way or another. ganun na lang ang gusto kong isipin. gusto kita kasi hindi kita makuha. gusto ko yung mga ayaw sa 'kin. masokista 'ko e.

pero kahit masokista, nauuntog rin. there comes a point when you just have to give up wanting something kasi you realize it's useless and pointless to pursue it because it's really not for you.

i know i deserve someone single. someone who will not treat me as plan b. someone who will love me. at hindi ikaw yun for sure. you love your girlfriend. i know kasi you're still with her. or if you don't, then you just don't like me enough. i can accept that. i'm a good loser.

i'm sincere in saying that i'm happy with what you have now and what you will have in the future. i wish you love by rachael yamagata. yan ang song na paulit-ulit kong pinakinggan sa camiguin and it's for you. it's about letting go without bitterness.

you don't need to reply to this email. mas gugustuhin ko pa yun para masarado na 'to. all i need is closure i think, then i can let go and move on. please help me by not texting and calling me anymore. i hope you understand. it will be easier for me if i don't hear from you anymore. i deserve to be happy too.

anyway aalis na rin ako sa 15. iiwan ko yung cellphone ko and when i get back in july, malamang i'll change my number.

sana in the future, when i'm already over you and we're both happy with someone else then we can be real friends and laugh about this letter. for now, ikaw na lang muna ang tumawa.

i'm sending this before i change my mind.

all the best,
xxxxxxx